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The Truth About Dentures
Lay your teeth on the table and see who jumps

There's nothing like being eight years old and seeing Grandma toothless for the first time.

Here comes Granny, trudging down the stairs, shakily clinging to the handrail in a painfully slow, step-by-step shuffle, as if she's terrified the entire staircase will collapse at any moment. Her flowery nightgown looks every bit as ancient as she, and as Granny moves closer, her dry, wrinkled lips are spotted by Bobby. 'Like a cardboard box,' he thinks. Corrugated, crumpled even, puckered inward like she's spent the night sucking on lemons.

"Guh morin," she mumbles. (Her toothless way of saying 'good morning,' of course.)

Eight year old Bobby's eyebrows pop to the top and he instantly wonders if that strange speech means she's about to drop dead. After all, she's old, her lips have caved in, and she's talking like he does when he shoves a whole banana in his mouth. Sudden-death might be a real possibility here.

"You okay, Grandma?" Billy asks, his imaginative young mind envisioning the amazing grip she would have on a pea-shooter with lips like that.

"Mm-hmm. I dun 'av' ma teef in, 'atchs all."

Granny's a smart lady. She can see Bobby is fixated on her mouth and realizes what's going on.

"Nuffin' ah werry shabow," she adds to reassure Bobby, unco-operative lips a-quivering as she attempts to stretch them into a smile.

Eight year olds are interesting characters. Twenty seconds ago Bobby was wondering if Grandma was going to make it to the bottom of the stairs without dying. Now, he suddenly understands about the toothless speech and is trying very hard not to laugh.

The Truth - Don't Be Scared
We may finally be reaching an era where dentures are no longer the norm for older folks. Improvements in dental care and gads of preventative products and measures are moving us forward, and more and more people still have their original chompers when all is said and done. This is all well and good, but does nothing to clear the name of false teeth for the people that still have them, or will need them in the future.

Dentures have taken a bad rap for decades and it's time to set the record straight. Dental advancements aside, it looks like denturists are going to be employed for a while to come, and those who enjoy the fruits of their labors must not be made fun of any more. The 'falsies' themselves do not deserver the beating they're taking either.

For many, a set of dentures grinning from the kitchen table can move their last meal into the esophagus, and sometimes beyond. Granted, the kitchen table is not a prime location to store dentures, but understand this: those teeth have been removed from someone's mouth - and that's a good thing.

"Really?" you might wonder. "So I shouldn't feel a little queezy seeing them there?"

Now you've got it, and the reason is this: excluding the sloppy denture owners, those teeth are fresh, clean, and nothing more than the material they're made of. Just because they've been shaped like teeth, well, c'mon! What's the problem? Grab a set of real teeth and look over those on the kitchen table, then you'll know what queezy is all about. Eee-Yuck! And here's something else that'll knock the socks off your misunderstandings: people who wear dentures have cleaner mouths than people that don't.

Oh, I can hear you whining from here; you brush, you floss, you scrub and gloss - but you better believe it, 'cause it's as true as truth gets. I don't care if you're in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the cleanest natural teeth on earth, you just can't beat being able to take chew-sets right out of your head and shine 'em up that way. And once out, the mouth is wide open for a sterilizing cleanse itself. Nowhere for debris to hide, no secret crevices for hamburg to rot in. So here's the bottom line: if you want to kiss someone with a sparkling clean, fresh, flawless, immaculate, beautiful smile, choose a partner who wears dentures. (Oh stop your whining, it's just the way it is.)

So how do we eradicate denture phobia? Well, I thought I just did, but then it occurred to me that cleanliness is not the only issue. There is also a fear factor, as I understand it. Apparently, for some, the unexpected sight of a set pf smirkish dentures is about equal to seeing a rotting skull pop out of their bubble bath. I don't get it, but they tell me it's so. (Then again, I don't take bubble baths so how would I know this?)

I'm guessing those members of the denture-phobe crowd don't see what I see, which is just a set of false teeth. I'm thinking they probably hallucinate devilish, yellow-toothed dentures flying through a dark, misty night, chompers a-snappin' - soon to be devouring their very flesh as they run wildly through the streets.

Well that's just stupid. For one, dentures are not aerodynamically capable of flying, not through the street like that anyway, and secondly, they need the assistance of a living, breathing person to 'chomp,' if not in someone's mouth, then operated manually. Snappity, snap snap! And if someone is chasing you, false teeth in hand, rapidly chattering them together, and this causes you to run wildly through the streets, you have bigger problems than denture phobia, although it would be a serious case.

Okay, it's time to settle this up right here and now. Take a look at what we have leanred:

  1. Dentures are cleaner than real teeth.
  2. The mouths of people who wear dentures are cleaner than those who don't.
  3. Dentures can't fly.
  4. Dentures can't chomp on their own.
  5. There is no sane reason to be afraid of false teeth, to be grossed out by them or the people who wear them.
  6. Dentures are awesome.
As happens so often, time, space and laziness prevent me from providing more information. You should, however, be able to see the light by this point. So no more denture bashing. It makes you appear jealous, and rather stupid to boot. If we took your teeth out and put them on the kitchen table, that would be frightening.

Now go kiss someone who wears dentures. Make sure to tell them you'll never be afraid of their teeth chasing you down the street again, that you finally understand, dentures can't fly, that you finally understand, they are cleaner than you.

Now, to answer the inevitable question, no, I do not wear dentures, but I sure wish I did. Can you say 'guh morin,' Grandma?'

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