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  Some Days are Better than Others - Funny Poems by Nifter

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Some Days are Better than Others
Checking your alarm at night can be a wise decision

Woke up feeling nauseous, swung my legs out of the bed,
Tipping over sideways I fell off and split my head,
Dashed into the bathroom, couldn't find the first-aid kit,
Stuck some toilet paper on and taped it to the split.

Pulling out my toothbrush, sudden hiccup, poked my eye,
Straight towards the toilet saw that toothbrush start to fly,
"I've still got it," told myself, and snatched it from the air,
When suddenly I noticed I was naked standing there.

Grabbed a towel, wrapped it 'round, turned on the water stream,
Seems the toothpaste that I used was someone's sun-tan cream,
Tried to yell but nothing came, my mouth was gooey-stuck,
Was certain then a man could not have any more bad luck.

The mirror said, my hair looks like a lawn that's not been mowed,
It really didn't matter much, the sink had overflowed,
The towel snugged about my groin, I used to wipe the floor,
Then had to wrap around me wet, a knock came at the door.

T'was my next-door neighbour, he had come on my behalf,
"Your car has two flat tires," said, then he began to laugh,
I wondered why that's funny for a second then turned red,
Creamy lips, a dripping towel, toilet paper on my head.

Cleaned my mouth then called a tow truck, checking on the time,
Had to be to work before the clock passed over nine,
Things were looking up until I went to leave the house,
Stuck my foot into a shoe and squished a bloody mouse.

"Damn that dog" I blurted out, he's started that again,
Kicking off the shoe I slipped and caused an ankle sprain,
Rushing in, the dog came, not his mouse he'd let me take,
Grabbed that ankle in his jaw and he began to shake.

What a sorry battle then, I thought I'd lose my mind,
Fast as I'd get up he'd pull me down on my behind,
In time he got the message that, my ankle's not to chew,
But damn, by then, from head to toe, was fully black and blue.

Finally made it out the door, albeit with a limp,
In the car and off I go, no time to be a wimp,
Turned to Main Street, ten of nine, I thought I was home-free,
Swerved to miss a frightened cat, drove straight into a tree.

Two-door car and both are stuck, the metal crumpled in,
Climbing out the windshield I cut both my hands and shins,
Off the hood I slid and fell, damn ankle once again,
'Couldn't get much worse,' I thought, and then began the rain.

Pouring down and wind so fierce I couldn't even talk,
Gotta love it - wind and rain, 'cause now I have to walk,
'Be an optimist,' I thought, it'll wash the blood away,
But feeling like an optimist was not to be that day.

Seven blocks I'd yet to go, it seemed like twenty miles,
Limping, bloody, wounded, wet, and not one single smile,
Just as I was thinking that, it blew down off my head,
It was the toilet paper gauze, into which I had bled.

Ah yes, a little smile then, it crept across my face,
Been hellish mad, this morning has, but I have won the race,
Dead ahead the workplace loomed, it's over, I supposed,
Then realized it's Saturday, the sign read: Sorry, We're Closed.

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