The Home Insurance Policy
A Katrina-inspired moment
Client Name: You. (That's good enough, don't worry about it.)
For identification and other purposes, account number (above) must be recited by memory, in person, at our office, to Becky, if discussion regarding this policy is absolutley necessary.
Contractual Obligations, Exclusions, Terms and Other Shit
This agreement between you, the home owner, and we, Solid State Mutual Insurance Co., the best darn insurance company for miles around, outlines the details of your new home insurance policy and serves as the final contract for this agreement unless and until we decide to make changes to enhance the policy in our favor. Under the terms of this agreement we are not obligated to notify you of any changes nor does alteration of the contract by Solid State Mutual Insurance Co., the best darn insurance company for miles around, affect its legal status, i.e., this contract shall remain valid no matter what we do to it after you leave.
This contract is effective immediately provided no claim is tendered before we receive your first monthly payment. In the event you forget we told you that and a claim is filed before the first payment is received our obligation to provide insurance for your home and/or contents will become null and void. Monthly payments will still be required and must be paid on time and in full for a minimum of 12 months from the date you forgot at which time you may choose to reinstate or cancel this policy for an administration fee of $375 provided your account is not in arrears and John is in te office that day. (Although John retired last year, he often drops into the office to see if Becky is wearing that blue dress.)
[ Special Insert (Wear and Tear) TFA1-8923-Jim ]
Any item or items whether living, dead or whatever will not be covered under this policy if it, they, them or any of your stuff is deemed subject to wear and tear of any kind whether normal, intentional, accidental or performed by an insurance adjustor visiting the scene of a claim. You understand and agree that items exposed to the weather and/or found indoors where people may or may not reside are easily deemed subject to wear and tear and we will deem them when necessary and sometimes even when deeming is not. Possible exceptions are possible but unlikely. The 'Wear and Tear' clause may be invoked at any time should we discover we need it or even if we don't but want to use it anyway. The fact that Jim received a bonus for coming up with this neat clause will have no bearing on its enforcement.)
[ End Special Insert (Wear and Tear) TFA1-8923-Jim ]
You have selected our "Superior Level Insurance Package" and as such the following items can be considered insured and kind of covered or not as per the details underneath this sentence. (The whole page.)
1. Your house proper, currently existing 12 buildings down from Larry's Tap & Grill, right beside the old wooden phone booth, across the road from where that homeless guy pees in the bush and known as 127 Falling Brick Lane will be fully covered for non-wear and tear damage excepting the following exclusions which are not covered because they are excluded:
This policy does not cover wood, including but not limited to things made out of wood or any individual or collective wood piece(s) whether separate or combined to make an object with the use of screws, nails, glue, chewing gum or something sticky that could hold wood together
- Bricks, Morter, Sidings, Soffits, Fascia, Eavestroughs, Cement
Although easily deemed subject to wear and tear, these items when damaged may entitle you to an emergency allowance if the following condition is met:
- Your home is damaged beyond repair in which case you will be awarded a stipend totaling (up to) 40% of the full cost of a single long distance call to phone someone and ask if you may live there. The cost of the call must not exceed our maximum allowance of which you will be promptly notified after the phone bill containing your call has been reviewed by our staff and verified allowable or not under this clause.
Both sides of any and all windows are automatically excluded as per the 'Wear and Tear' clause (deeming not required) excepting the following exception in which case you may be eligible for something but probably not:
- In the event a damaged window is less than 7 days old and the damge is caused by a person between the ages of 90 and 91 who needs to rapidly escape from a Siamese cat gone mad, we may or may not repair or replace the window at our sole discretion. Window repairs and/or replacements will not be performed until it has been verified by a certified feline psychiatric doctor that the cat is truly mad and that the cat is indeed a Siamese and not just painted to look like one. Only one window will be covered under this special exception as there is no need to escape more than once unless you are actually the one who is mad. (Alternate escape routes, if existing and accessible within 75 feet of the window in question, will nullify this special exception.)
Items commonly found in the plumbing section of hardware and/or specialty plumbing stores are not covered under this policy including but not limited to anything water touches or is close to within or without the named property above. "Close to" will be defined by the insurance agent attending to your claim at the time of claim inspection or at any time he or she (the agent) chooses. Due to the expense of contracting licensed plumbers, Uncle Bob will be hired for plumbing jobs if necessary. (This contract does not warrant nor provide any guarantee that Uncle Bob will be sober on the date his services are required or at any other time either.)
Items not included in the exclusions above may be included in the exclusions at any time including but not limited to before, during and/or after a claim is filed and will be subject to the exclusions included above whether we remember to include them or not.
2. The complete contents of the property described above with the following exclusions:
- Electrical Equipment (EE)
EE includes but is not limited to anything that plugs into a wall socket, runs on batteries and/or is rigged up to electrical power of some kind by any idiot who does or does not know what he or she is doing. (Under the terms of this contract a person who rigs a homemade power source is considered an idiot whether he or she believes he or she is an idiot or not. In the event the rigged power source is a direct cable from a power line and was built to avoid paying an electric bill, we may allow a small sum to go towards paying for a new cable provided you tell us how you did it and submit a small fee equal or greater to the sum payed for the cable.)
This is so clearly defined under the 'Wear and Tear' clause we shouldn't even need to put it in here but some people try to claim they didn't sit on their furniture so we had to. (Way to go Jim!)
- Perishables and Non-Perishables
Any item or items considered to be perishable and/or items that are now or could be at any time non-perishable are excluded from coverage under this agreement. Examples include food, clothing and any or all goods found within the home. (Clothing purchased through Victoria Secret may be reimbursable provided the owner of the clothing is female, pretty, and willing to model the clothing for us for a fee. The fact that Becky doesn't like that idea and wants (possible) reimbursables to be or include men's underwear shall have no bearing on the enforcement of, well, anything, even though we love you Becky.)
- Other Stuff
To be determined in the event of a claim. For contract-signing purposes you may ignore this clause. Items defined by our agent(s) to be "other stuff" will be excluded from coverage with no explanation promised, guaranteed or expected at any time under any condition for any reason whatsoever.
Fine Print - Do Not Read
Although your home insurance policy remains in effect as per the conditions outlined above, no coverage (non, zero, zip, zilch, nill) will be extended in the event of a claim or for any other reason due to the fact that we told you not to read this but you read it anyway and doing so violates the terms of this contract because we say so. (See "do not read" above.)