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The Plight of the Real Mr. Long John
No one believes in our magnitude

Women laugh, girls giggle, men scoff.

According to every male old enough to discuss such things, each is the proud owner of a powerful, over-sized penile appendage. Boastful comments about one's dangling member are commonplace: They don't make condoms big enough for me; mine's a two-hander; I don't wear a size 12 shoe for nothing; I need a fork-lift to hold mine up to pee, and so on and so forth.

Women laugh, girls giggle, men scoff - and no one believes.

Of course not. Everyone knows that every man is licking a fib, so to speak, but that's just the way it has to be. Men will always claim to be well endowned, but not just for wishful thinking, it's because they have to. After all, what other choices do they have?

You see, to admit to having even a normal-sized kahuna is akin to telling the boys you like the feel of women's panties on your chin. Revealing that Mother Nature was a little short on meat the day you were put together is beyond unthinkable. Releasing that little tidbit into the wind is asking for a lifetime of stubby pencil jokes - at best.

But alas, as long as they keep it a secret, things will be just fine for the stubby-nub boys anyway. They can thrust out their chests and proclaim big-time masculine empowerment without fear. It doesn't matter if anyone believes them - because no one is believed. Wimpy weiner hides quietly in the shadows where no one is the wiser. So great for them. But pity the men who actually do come equipped with a heavy-duty model. You know, guys like me.

We, the more fortunate ones, find ourselves grouped with the puny-peters with no easy way to break out. It's a terrible plight. Those puny-peter dudes who boast about lengthy snakes while a squiggly little inchworm bobbles in their shorts get just as much respect as those of us who really do possess a King Cobra. With all men making large claims and no one believing any of it - unless one of us real Mr. long-john's is willing to stand up and swing our partner 'round and 'round to prove the claim, we remain stuck in the same square dance as the rest of the testosterone clan: claiming to have a big one and no one believing it.

So that's how it is, and that's how it will stay. I only ask that the next time you hear a male acquaintance brag about his lengthy endowment, you consider that he just might be telling the truth. Give the dude a chance. Ask him to stand proud and swing his partner 'round and 'round to show the world he is not licking a fib. Sadly, he's unlikely to perform, because more often than not, it's the fib that's the big one - not so much that other thing. They can't all be empowered like I am.

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