Top 10 Myths About Men
Someone had to set the record straight
10 - Men Don't Cry.
False. Although men can remain stoic under the most horrific circumstances, pick any man, lead him by the hand to a broken television and he'll weep like a little baby. Episodes of The Simpsons in which Homer runs out of beer have also been known to break men into tears.
9 - Men Don't Like to Communicate
False. It just appears that way because they lack verbal skills. Truth is, men simply prefer to communicate with body language, using a specific body part that is unable to form words.
8 - Men Don't Want to Get Married
False. Men have no issues with marriage, but they want to be wed to a nymphomaniac. Until they are certain beyond any reasonable doubt that a woman of such tastes is unreachable, the non-nymphos are forced to wait.
Reasons told to girlfriends-in-waiting for putting off marriage, such as, 'I'm not ready yet' are honest statements, although the man will never admit why they are true. (Note: once Stepford Wives become a reality, this myth will flip to true quicker than Lindsay Lohan can say 'I wasn't drunk.')
7 - Men Think About Sex Every Seventeen Seconds
False. It's been reported that men, on average, think about sex every seventeen seconds. Some reports put the average around seven seconds. Take your pick, but nothing could be further from the truth; there is never a time when men aren't thinking about sex.
6 - All Men Fantasize About Having Two Women at Once
False. Some men are gay.
5 - The Bigger the Feet, the Bigger the Central Appendage
False. All men have lengthy kahunas of considerable girth, regardless of shoe size. Ask any man, he'll tell you.
4 - Men Hate to Ask for, or Read, Directions
False. There is a small gland at the base of the male brain called the cerebral knowitallamus. The cerebral knowitallamus secretes a powerful hormone that causes males to believe they always know what they are doing, regardless of the task or their experience. As long as the gland is functioning correctly, it is impossible for a man to understand that directions, of any kind, could be of use to him. As a result, it is untrue that men hate to ask for, or read, directions; the cerebral knowitallamus simply prevents them from understanding that directions might be a reasonable idea.
Note: Men with a mal-functioning cerebral knowitallamus will receive either too much, or too little of the hormone. If they receive too much, they will take on the belief that they are knowledgable in every subject, (all of them), in addition to believing they know what they are doing with any given task. (For example, putting something together, or finding particular locations.)
Men who receive too little of the hormone also maintain the task-oriented belief system and will be prone to BSS ("blank stare syndrom," i.e., a quizzical, empty expression that includes a dropped lower jaw and sagging eyebrows) and can often be seen scratching various parts of their body, in combination with the empty stare. (FYI: The unique gaze of a man afflicted with BSS has been described as "the appearance one might display had a vacuum cleaner been pressed to an ear and sucked the brain out.")
3 - Men Prefer Younger Women
Semi-false. Although true that some men find younger women most appealing, some men are gay.
2 - Men Love Their Cars
False. This is going to be earth-shattering to some, but men don't care about cars any more than they care about changing underwear.
Believed to have started in the early 1930's, when automobiles were beginning to cause a real stir in society, a small group of male friends realized that these 'new automobile things' just might provide the perfect out they'd been seeking for so many years. Automobiles, which were already attracting male onlookers in droves, could provide a myriad of excuses to get away from wives - and thus, the myth was born.
Prior to this time, men relied heavily on the househould furnace as the premiere method to "get away from the girls." A typical Thanksgiving get-together (as an example) would involve the husband of the house asking the other males present if they'd like to "see the furnace." This would occur in the afternoon, before the meal, and allow the men to escape "the nattering upstairs." The male of the house was obligated to hide a case of beer behind the furnace prior to the event.
Hatched by the group on a street corner in downtown Detroit, the myth spread like wildfire as more and more men grasped its potential. Today, the myth is secretly told to sons by their fathers at an early age, to prepare them for a future with women. Fathers try to pass the 'speech' on to their sons at a time when comprehension can be expected, but while they are still too young to be attracted to women. (This helps avoid any strange, mental conflicts that might alter the impact of the speech.) A standard 'love your car' speech would go something like this:
"You must always pretend to love the automobile, son, and not only your own, but all of them. As long as you do so, you will always have an excuse to get away from your woman for a spell. It may be hard to understand now, but trust me, you'll be very glad you have this information in the future."
At some point during the speech, the father explains how the myth has been in development for decades, being gently shaped into an iron-clad fable that can be easily believed by women. He will disclose that cars are manufactured so that periodic break-downs are guaranteed and referred to as the SSF factor, or Secret Special Features.
"Even the hard-nosed women feel obliged to let a husband out of his cage to tend to a mal-functioning automobile," he will assure his son. "It's full-proof, my boy, but it depends on every man's full co-operation. I know I can count on you."
Editor's Note: As women became liberated and began taking careers as automobile mechanics, the SSF had to be modified to make them less obvious. The advent of computerized cars has greatly assisted in disguising the real reasons for automobile break-downs. (Computer-assisted mal-functions have become so advanced, in fact, that sometimes mechanics - male or female - are unable to determine what is actually happening with a disabled car.)
1 - Men Have a Thing for Blondes
True. That's right, this 'myth' is actually not a myth at all. It's completely, positively, absolutely no question about it, true. Men have a definite thing for blonde-haired women. They also have a thing for red-heads, brunettes and any other color a woman might squeeze from a bottle onto her head.
To be fiar, there is also a myth that men prefer blondes, which would have to be answered false, although both myths result in the same conclusion: the idea that men care about a woman's hair color is like suggesting kids are picky about candy, and let's face it, if it's there, they'll eat it. Apply that analogy to men and their women, change a word or two and we're done here.